Joser Funny Status Messages

   Switched my GPS to the male voice. Got tired of it announcing turns after we'd passed them and telling me to stop and ask for directions.

   Dear gigantic flock of birds chirping loudly in the parking lot sh*ting all over my car, There's still more north left... Go annoy Canada...

   I don't trust people who don't have middle names...

   Why are they called "Starving Artists" instead of "Untalented Hippies"?

   I just watch a naked Chinese man run into a wall at full speed with a hard on. He broke his nose.

   Saying irregardless makes you sound irridiculous.

   30 minutes? I want to hear that from the pizza. Put the pizza on the phone!

   Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”

   I know I looked like a complete idiot on that wedding video but the camera adds 10 drinks.

   Work like you don't have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at

   mixd whiskey with water and got drunk... mixed brandy with water and got drunk... I mixed scotch with water and got drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...

   What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common? Their tiny balls sparkle.

   OH NO! I'm sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting.

   I'm proud of the fact that 87% of my day is just me making faces at my coworker while his back is turned.

   want to know if sex toy manufacturers have product testers?

   People's cellphone ringtones say a lot about them. Usually they say, "I'm mystified by this phone settings."

   The truth is, when I start a statement with "the truth is" I'm usually lying my @ss off

   Reminder, fellas: bra cups come in sizes AA, A, B, C, D, DD, OMG, WTF.

   wants you to read this status... Keep reading it... There, now I have full control over your mind. Now bring me a beer!

   Dear BP, None of this would've happened if you had hired the best deep core drilling team -- Bruce Willis, Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, and the big black guy from Green Mile.