Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Just woke my kids up and told them, “It's Father's Day! Where's my present?” They just started crying.

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I think that's how I feel today.

   There is no problem so big that it can't be solved with a little self-delusion.

   Just once I'd like to read that someone died after a long battle with goblins or trolls.

   "At least you're not the lady who got her face eaten by the monkey." - My response to anyone who ever complains about anything

   For the past 20 years I've been trying to figure out how to "Stop" Collaborate" and "Listen"

   Our new dog is going to be the *best* watchdog if a vacuum cleaner ever breaks into the house.

   Maybe if the Libyans spent less time firing into the air, the civil war could have ended 4 months ago.

   If Paranormal Activity 3, The Ring, and Poltergeist taught me anything, it's that little girls are absolutely terrifying.

   please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.

   Dear radio stations, instead of 40 minutes of commercial free music, how about 5 minutes of good music?

   I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.

   Just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption "Nice shirt, douche bag."

   Remember, over half of all cases of people wrecking themselves happen within five minutes of not checking themselves.

   I bet I could win a gold medal for 'least amount of Olympics watched.' But I'll never know if I do.

   Adam never let Eve boss him around. He wore the plants in the relationship.

   "I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open

   People who write "WASH ME" on dirty cars are the same people who think "Pull My Finger" is the most hilarious game ever

   Today MTV turns 30, and yes I'm old enough to remember when they played music videos

   FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”