Snotty Funny Status Messages

   One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

   Some days I can't get my earbuds in far enough.

   My blended dairy drink attracts young men to my yard & they proclaim its superiority to yours...I can give tutorage,, but require compensation.

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Son,, stop telling people I'm dead".

   "DONE!" - Color blind person solving a Rubik's Cube

   Remember that weird kid who ate boogers in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! ,,Just kidding, He died......... (come on,,he ate boogers)

   Sometimes I like to go to Applebee's,,, and give them money not to bring me any food.

   never gotten the amount of cheese grated on my pasta I want in a restaurant because I feel guilty when the waiter starts looking fatigued

   *NASA Headquarters: Reporter- Why did you name the Mars rover Curiosity?... Scientist- The prototype killed a TON of cats.... Next question.

   (ordering cake on the phone)... BAKERY: And what would you like the cake to say?... (holds hand over phone)... Honey, did we want a talking cake???

   I just ate at the Olive Garden for the first time. It felt just like being in Tuscany,, And by Tuscany,, I mean the break room of a Radio Shack

   Evidently,,,,,, my admirers are all secret

   The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is sure, just talk about Passive Aggressive Club all you want... No, It's fine. Go ahead.. I don't mind.. WHATEVER..

   My wife is a banquet cook... If it says Banquet on the box, she can cook it!

   I just rubbed my cat back and forth on the carpet for 10 minutes,,, and now he can shoot lightning bolts out of his mouth.

   If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!",,, and you'll feel super weird about it.

   Besides watermelon, there should be airmelon, firemelon, and earthmelon.... The four elemelons.

   Some of you people are great.... Others should be towed a safe distance and blown up as precaution.

   Truthful Tuesday: Deep down,, I don't believe that paper beats rock.

   I actually never like to touch baby carrots,,, because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.