joser Funny Status Messages

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, and actually came back home.

   Evidently that good Samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   Weird... I just found a haystack on top of this needle...

   Whoever said "two wrongs don't make a right" has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.

   Just because we have the same last name doesn't mean we have to be Facebook friends, Grandpa...

   do you think the creator of Snuggie is laughing his *ss off because he convinced a nation of people that its cool to wear a robe backwards?

   Even if your life was a total waste of space, there's always hope that you'll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.

   the only horoscope you will ever need goes like this: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.

   So yeah I just went outside and I'm pretty sure I won't be doing that again until at least October.

   Collecting my thoughts... I almost have a whole set!

   Judging by the lack of Fathers Day cards I received in the mail today, I'm guessing your m0m never told you.

   I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with keyboards

   I hate to sound so skeptical but I'm starting to think that The Office isn't a real documentary.

   If I had nothing left to complain about, I'd complain about that.

   I feel sorry for our ancestors who used to have to wait days or weeks to hear from friends that they were laughing out loud.

   Every time I pour water on myself when attempting to use a water bottle I get sad because even hamsters have mastered this.

   Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...

   I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

   If age is just a number, can I get mine unlisted?

   I'm a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity...