K-Mac Funny Status Messages

   Does anybody know where I could find out how much a footlong costs at Subway?

   I would like to thank all the people who let me know it was snowing today, like I'm some clueless idiot.

   It's Friday, Yay the weekends here...<BLINK> Monday? WTF?

   You're laughing because I'm laughing, but I'm laughing because I farted.

   When I win the Mega-Millions, I'm going to buy so many dishes, pans and silverware That I never have to wash them again, just use them once and throw them away.

   Freudian slip; Where you say one thing, but mean your mother.

   Been almost ten years single. A friend asked if I masturbated a lot. I said no, I don't want to get dust all over the place.

   I'm pretty sure that lady from the Target ads is capable of killing anyone in her way.

   Pulled into the grocery store parking lot, went down one isle and was coming up the other when I saw an open spot one space from the end nearest the door and thought, "what a break"......God I hate Smartcars.

   What if Deja Vu means you lost a life and started at the last checkpoint

   Drove by an automated speed sign, it said "SLOW DOWN! YOUR SPEED IS 45MPH" It was right next the sign that said "Speed Limit 45 MPH".

   We're getting so obese, they've added new plus sizes.....Huge....Gigantic and Oh my God, it's coming our way.

   If you're in line at the grocery store with your new iPhone5 and you pull out food stamps, don't be surprised when I slap that phone out of your hand.

   I hear that boxers don't have sex before a fight. I guess beating the crap out each other after sex would hurt their relationship.

   I'm not homophobic, some of my best shirts are gay.

   Wow, that one was so bad, all four cats left the room.

   I have Super-glue and a non-stick pan.....lets see who wins.

   Happy Earth Day...don't mind my tire fire......just can't seem to put it out.

   Why do huge people by tiny cars? They look like they couldn't find clothes to fit, so they're wearing a car.

   The one good thing about Monday morning, It's the farthest from next Monday you're going to be.