JAB Funny Status Messages

   Growing up Italian. My mothers meatballs are better than your Moms. . .

   No bids on Jay Cutler autographed football at charity event. Because he didn't sign it Tom Brady. . .

   The law of attraction is you will lick someone where they pee. . .

   Ladies, it's October, breast cancer awareness month, I'm giving free breast exams. . .

   I replaced hating everything with Justin Beiber. . .

   Turtles should be taught to use skate boards when crossing the road. . .

   If I've been renting space in anyone's head, can I have my deposit back with interest. . .

   I just save $329.99 from not buying 30 vials of Restasis for dry eyes by having someone come by my house three times a day and poke me in the eyes...

   Have you noticed the words: Happy and Horny each have six letters like the number six has an x in it just like the word sex. Coincidence, I think not. . .

   Boy the way Led Zeppelin played, songs that debuted on MTVeeem, guys like us were getting laid. . . those were the days. . .

   Walk around like a secret agent. Hand cuff yourself to a briefcase and take public transportation. . .

   I often wonder how that happens. He looks 100, she looks 30. Oh right, money can buy you anything. Than she is not worth it no matter how beautiful she is. . .

   If you're single, happy go f#ck yourself today. . .

   If $ex is a pain in the a$$ you're doing it wrong, that's not what that hole is for. . .

   If Hillary were President, she would be all, I am sorry, I am not sorry, I am sorry, I am not sorry, I am sorry, I am not sorry, What the hell, I am PMS'n leave me the f#ck alone. . .

   Ronda Rousey raped me, ok it wasn't rape, I enjoyed it. . .

   Spoiler alert. It's sour cream

   I use brown eggs occasionally, if I am going to egg someone's car. . .

   I will pay anyone $100 bucks to be at my wake in a Reapers costume holding a scythe. I will have it in my will to anyone who wants that job. . .

   Some of you women need to stay out of my dreams, oh sorry.. I meant fantasies. . .