Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   Roll up to Uhaul store, roll down all the windows, blast "I Like to Move It" until they call the police

   I've got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I've also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

   Please stop praying for my grandpa you are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don't work on him :(

   @AnissaClingman: Wtf? I opened this huge lawnmower box and there is no Mexican in it. I thought they were shipped together. Dammit! Who's gonna push it? : /

   Joe Biden walks nervously into the grocery store by himself for the first time. He asks the clerk, "where are the snowman noses?"

   Damn babe are you Obama’s birth certificate because my mom doesn't believe you exist

   The second I named my hangover "dad" it went away

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend. Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.

   Why would canada discontinue pennies?? That country doesnt make cents

   Sorry I set up a smoke machine and played The Undertaker's theme song at your grandmother's funeral.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags? Ok, maybe I don't know what the word ‘ironic' means.

   Shooting pool and darts are just sports for alcoholics.

   i saw an ad on craigslist once that said “free firewood, you collect it” so I wrote to the guy and said “bud you just wrote an ad for the woods”

   If ur Cinco de mayo didnt end wearing a pirate costume bein chased down the street by Dog The Bounty Hunter, then yours wasnt as fun as mine

   Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

   God put a woman in the bible and she ruined the whole book in the first chapter

   When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

   "We find the defendant....right there, in the chair next to the defense attorney" "Good work jury, now its your turn to hide"

   Am I REALLY the only person who thought that the national anthem's opening line was "Jose can youuu see!"  up until last year? Seriously?!!

   Damn girl are you a firework because I only see you like 3 times a year & your very pretty & I’m scared to get closer to you.