Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"

   The Transit of Venus was by far the best small black dot moving boringly across a large yellow circle I've ever witnessed.

   When I watch "Footloose" all I can think is, "They allow dancing one town over. Just go there."

   Admit it, we all feel much worse for the homeless guy's dog than we do for the homeless guy

   I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I've taken today's gummy vitamins.

   Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.

   Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.

   Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.

   95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.

   Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.

   i'm going to take a pic of my son and use age progression to see what he looks like at 16. I'll keep it in his room, and when he finally figures out its him, I'm gonna try and convince him he's a time traveler

   I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I'm afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.

   why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you

   You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.

   If you're out somewhere and can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately

   As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it's important that you lower your expectations.

   It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

   The Bermuda Triangle has been quiet lately. Too quiet.

   If you live in a custom-built house that doesn't have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet