Zinc Funny Status Messages

   Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

   They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

   Ok honey don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   Going through my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.

   I'm always right. And when I'm not, I edit Wikipedia.

   My wife and I have different ideas on death. I want to be cremated when I die and she wants to cremate me now.

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1985.

   What is the big deal about Cinco De Mayo. I've been drinking my ass off Everydayo of Mayo.

   Oh, so it's ok for Superman to wear his underpants on the outside but not me? Sometimes I don't even know why I bother showing up to court anymore.

   There’s no such thing as a non-terrifying Easter bunny costume.

   if this toaster thinks setting 3 is "burn to a crisp and light on fire", I don't even want to know what setting 6 does.

   come up with a new drink: Nyquil on the rocks. It's for when you feel sick but still want to be social.

   facebook needs to add "still bangin my ex" as a relationship status option

   Have yourself a merry little christmas sounds pretty condescending - Jennifer Lopez

   An optimist is the dude who yells out "Wet t-shirt contest!" during the sinking of the Titanic.

   I really gotta start saying "congratulations" Instead of "are you keeping it?"

   You act like I was drinking alone...but I had the entire Verizon network with me

   Advice for those people who want to discuss politics tomorrow at the dinner table... Just don't

   I'm curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they're taking it out of their cars too?

   People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone's eye they never seem to like it.