Gman Funny Status Messages

   The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "explain why"... so I put "no" and "good lawyer."

   Ooh, baby. Can you do that thing to me with your mouth? You know. Shut it and don't speak. Oh yeah. That's feels awesome.

   I thought about joining the neighborhood watch... But my neighbors just aren't that attractive.

   First that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

   Considering I'm broke, I wonder if she'll let me be her sugar-free daddy.

   My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.

   I haven't dated Miss Right yet, but I have dated Miss Guided, Miss Directed, Miss Conduct, Miss Fire, Miss Demeanor, & Miss Ellaneous.

   When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

   Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.

   I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."

   The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."

   A recent study concluded that staring at women's boobs for 10 minutes a day increases life expectancy. In other news, I turn 137 this month.

   I think it's safe to admit that my Retirement Plan consists solely of me acquiring a Time Machine and knocking Biff out in the parking lot.

   If the internet is the superhighway... Facebook is that bad accident backing up traffic for miles because everyone can't help staring at it.

   I figured out a great way to pick up women. I painted my car to look like a taxi.

   If Obama really wanted to impress me, he'd somehow combine Missouri & Oregon to make a "Show me your beaver" state.

   Oops. My "check liver" light just came on.

   I'm designing a solar-powered automatic flushing toilet for people like my ex who think the sun shines out of their ass.

   I've been retracing my steps and now I have all these outlines of feet on my floor and still no keys.

   99 years ago today, the Titanic chose to hit an iceberg and sink rather than spend another day listening to Celine Dion.