aaron Funny Status Messages

   I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got.

   "I'd hit that" -old people who drive

   You're annoying, but honestly, I've been annoyed by better.

   Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".

   Thats the last time I ever sleep with an elementary teacher. I woke up with a great job sticker on my stomach.

   People who throw foreign words into conversations to make themselves appear cultured are küntz

   Whenever you can't think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I've been thinking about killing you."

   If an old person talks about their siblings, ask if they're the oldest. No matter what they say, respond "No, I meant oldest in the world?"

   To find Waldo, you must first find yourself

   Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

   In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you're trying to explain directions to an old man.

   I'm giving up picking my belly button for lent.

   If I'm murdered, I hope I'm able to write out the killer's name in blood and then "sucks" underneath

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.

   Calling me paranoid just confirmed all my suspicions.

   Just found out my attic is full of cotton candy!!!

   Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese." Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

   My signature move is pulling up my pants with a police flashlight shining in my face.

   Excuse me security guard, but I didn't come to this museum to not ride a dead dinosaur.

   How long do I microwave these turtles before I can teach them karate?