Hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

   Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.

   What the hell did we do while waiting at red lights before cell phones?

   When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

   Sure, I'll attend your expensive pre-divorce ceremony

   Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL Draft thing...

   A massive meteor hit Russia injuring hundreds. Rihanna insists the meteor has changed & that everyone should give the meteor another chance.

   I always give 110% at everything I do. Mostly because I'm not very aware of how percentages work. Math is hard.

   Advice of the day: Don't go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it's not Halloween

   The fastest way to fix that annoying noise in your car, is to just open the door..... And push her the f out.

   If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.

   Last night I watched a TV show about burritos spinning in a circle for 2 hours before I realized I was really high & staring at my microwave

   Girl in Victoria Secret: Wow! These bras & panties are 20% off!! Me: I bet If you hangout with me they'll be 100% off.

   Thanks ABC News, if it wasn't for your extensive news coverage, I wouldn't have known that it gets hot outside in the middle of July. 

   I don't always drive the speed limit. But when I do, there's drugs in my car.

   I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.

   Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers. 

   They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. I bet you 5,000$ it's on my friend Mike.

   Siri's on her period. she needs an iPad

   Ladies stop looking for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.