@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   My friend says my jokes don't make any sense and the punchlines are too obscure. Which is quite funny really when you consider his uncle used to grow his own onions.

   Remember, a doggie isn't just for Christmas... it's a f-kin good position all year round!

   Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history.

   can't believe no-one has come up with a cure for anorexia yet. Surely it must be a piece of cake...

   When I was younger I always felt like I was a boy trapped in a woman's body. However, that changed when I was born.

   As the 13th miner was about to surface, the sky news presenter described Carlos Barrios as being single, is also a taxi driver and likes horse racing. It's a f-king rescue operation not blind date!

   When they get the Chilean miners out, can we put the Go Compare guy in?

   X FACTOR FANS! If you're missing Gamu, don't worry! From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £3 a month!

   How about instead of doing the 69, we just do the 68. It's where you do me... and I owe you one.

   ...BBC News: 'Cap For Unemployed Families On Benefits' - Burberry by any chance?

   just seen Roy Hodgson speeding down the motorway at 140mph, with a splif in one hand a can of Carlsberg in the other. This fella will do anything for 3 points!!

   Female driving instructors... The equivalent of a blind person teaching kids to read.

   Dave needs to get more sheep in Farmville! ... Dave needs to get 6 more points to advance in Mafia Wars! ... Dave needs to get a f-kin life!

   noticed on the news earlier that the Popemobile has got a very distinctive personal number plate: 1 H4V3 M4DD13. No idea what that's all about.

   So they've sent George Michael to prison. Isn't that like sentencing Vanessa Feltz to eight weeks in a chocolate factory?

   The next time someone calls you from a withheld number just answer it and say, "hello London sperm bank. You squeeze it - we freeze it!" ... See what happens.

   rang British Telecom today and said "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said "Not you again."

   always right and never wrong. The only time I thought I was wrong was when I thought I was wrong but I wasn't - I was right!!

   wondering why baby outfits have pockets? You can just imagine your 8 month old saying "yep fag's, phone, i-pod, keys ... ready to go."

   It goes in dry, it comes out wet. The longer it stays in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and it starts to sag - It's not what you think... it's a Tetley's Tea Bag!!