@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   When I was a child, I always used to search my parent's drawers and cupboards in the run up to Christmas so I'd know exactly what to expect. Although I never did receive that Vibratron Pleasuremax 3000.

   I'm going to a posh do tonight. The invitation says, 'Black Tie Only'. Christ, I'm going to be f-kin freezing!

   My cousin told me he was gay today. What an idiot, coming out in weather like this.

   The Co-op ran of out of milk again because of the bad weather. Thankfully Doreen, my 92 yr old neighbour, has loads of it piled up at her front door.

   BBC NEWS: Government plans to ban all Internet porn. On an unrelated note, does anyone want to buy a laptop?

   You think you've got problems? I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.

   I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.

   Last night I tried to go out for an Italian meal, but there was a large, fat lady standing in the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.

   I just bumped into my sexy neighbour. She said, "Hows the little one, getting big I expect?" I said, "Yep, it must be the f-kin tight tops you wear!".

   I finally got my own back for Christmas shopping. I took my girlfriend into 8 different pubs without a drink, and then went back into the first one and bought a pint.

   BBC News: Lady Gaga drops Facebook for charity. She should also think about dropping her knickers - for clarity.

   They say that 40 is the new 30 - try telling that to a speed camera!

   Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says, ”Every time I suck William's c*ck I get acid indigestion”. The Queen replies, ”Have you tried Andrews?”

   A fool proof way to find out if a girl likes ya... ring her up at 3am whilst she's asleep. If she texts you the day after and she includes LOL twice.... you've pulled.

   SKY news: 'parachute team die in plane crash'. Couldn't they just have jumped out?

   I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.

   I bought a book entitled, 'An idiot's guide to saving money'. It was only £39.99.

   If a person from Iceland and a person from Cuba have a baby together, would it be considered an ice cube?

   BBC Sport: "Liverpool want Fanni" - Don't we all.

   Female drivers: The reason people look both ways when crossing a one way street.