michael Funny Status Messages

   Just got my baby to eat carrots over a boob. I am a heck of a salesman!

   Ladies, men are not that hard to figure out. They are a lot like carpet tiles… If you lay them properly the first time around, you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

   Just think, had the Indians given the Pigrim's a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ASS today instead of some damn bird!

   in a relationship with Nancy Pelosi. I figure she has been screwing me for 4 years now; I might as well make it official.

   Apparently it's green week. In an effort to contribute, I just created a save electricity sign: "Don't you hate it when someone turns you on, and then just leaves?"

   You know the economy is bad when you go into the bank and tell the manager you'd like to start a small business and his recommendation is to buy a big one and just wait a few months.

   After watching the iRenew infomercial about 800 times, I finally bought it because it helps promote “Balance.” Well guess what? It didn't help with last night's sobriety test!

   WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than you actually are.

   currently accepting applications for a new girlfriend. The competition is pretty fierce! I've already received on that stated under military experience, “I go commando several times a month.”

   Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

   How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

   Greatest txt msg of the day: Wow, I felt guilty this morning when I woke up after the dream I had about you!

   If standing up for the constitution makes me an extremist, then yes, I am!

   If the founding fathers were alive they wouldn't tolerate this. Why should we?

   The next time someone annoys you so much you just wanna slap them… Do it and say, “Mosquito” and quickly walk away.

   Why are condoms like cameras? They both capture the moment.

   My wife asked me if she could get a boob job today. I told her to take some toilette paper, rub it in between her boobs once or twice a day for a couple months. She asked me why, I said, “It worked on your butt, didn't it?”

   Guy in the bathroom: In the Army they taught us to wash our hands after taking a leak. Me: In the Marine Corp they taught us not to piss on our hands.

   Walked into the bank today and asked the teller if she could check my balance… She leaned over and pushed me.

   One of the guys who works for me down south called in sick early this morning. He sounded like death! I ask, “How sick are you?” and he said, “I just got done doing my sister, is that sick enough for you?”