flinnie Funny Status Messages

   One day nursing homes will be full of ex-Juggalos trying to remember what their tattoos mean.

   I saw a sign that said "Deaf Children Drive Carefully". I didn't know they drove at all.

   My predictive text dictionary doesn't have "tsunami", so if you ever get a text from me that says "trumang" start running

   If I ever get arrested, my one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there

   I guess more people saw the movie Casino than I thought. I always get strange looks when I recommend moving meetings to cornfields.

   Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment

   I play this fun game with ladies called "just the tip," where I refuse to pay for anything other than the gratuity at dinner.

   I was gonna give change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU. So, I held onto it just in case he was right

   Some might debate whether waterboarding is torture, but we can all agree leaving burnt popcorn beeping in the office microwave IS torture.

   When the homeless guy who lives in the dumpster asks you to subscribe to his podcast, don't, just trust me on this

   Just got out of a speeding ticket by confessing to a murder I didn't commit.

   Sarcasm is not a way of speaking, it is a way of life.

   Now that we've seen Nancy Grace's nipple on Dancing with the Stars, the FCC should pay Janet Jackson back every dime

   Phase one of my secret plan is to teach the squirrels to work as lookouts. Once that is in place, I order the balloons.

   When we set our clocks back, will that effect "Hammer Time"?

   People wearing neckbraces should wear a t-shirt explaining why.

   A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll

   Learn to spell, Auto Correct isn't always write

   Gonna sleep like a baby tonight: with a bottle and wet pants.

   According to the TV ads, using Crest whitening strips will make your teeth shiny enough to use as an illumination devices.