michael Funny Status Messages

   And with the 6th pick in the 2013 NFL draft, the Cleveland Browns select Robert Denton ESQ, Defense attorney, Harvard.

   What people think of your problems: 80% don't care, 20% are glad you have them.

   Terrorists: 3 Industrial Accident: 15... sorry terrorists, but you lost this round.

   Post a cute picture of you kid, 3 likes. Post a picture of your new boat, 53 likes. Conclusion: Nobody gives a crap about your kids but your mom and your sister.

   It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.

   Watching the women's MAC championship. I'm just going to assume that the bulge in the front of their shorts is just a balled up tube sock.

   In-laws are watching the kids tonight. Can't wait to put a load in the dishwasher.

   I always feel so bad for homeless people. So when I see one, I always stop and show them a really big "frowny face". That way they don't realize how much fun I'm having with all my money and stuff.

   My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.

   Forget healthcare, welfare, and gun control.... if you want to get to the root of this countries problems, look no further than the people who use hashtags on Facebook.

   Happy Birthday 21st Amendment

   Why are all the women in my office walking funny today?

   Happy Thursday to all my married friends.

   Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.

   ‎"Nothing tastes as good as how being fit feels", said the person who never had my grandmother's Manicotti.

   Destroying my chances at getting elected to public office on Facebook post at a time.

   I'm not certain, exactly, when I became "old". But, I've narrowed it down to sometime between 1988 and last night, when I noticed Song Pop classify "Guns 'n Roses" as "Classic Rock"

   Gee. Lets ask an openly christian man who owns a chain of restaurants that are closed on Sunday what his beliefs on gay marriage are, then act surprised when we find out his beliefs.... Idiots.

   Fox News: A channel solely dedicated to political humor by taking everything that is right with the world, twisting it so it's so wrong that it's funny, then claiming that it's news. The only bad thing about this channel is its lack of a laugh track.

   Some things should not be abbreviated like Save The Dates (STD) or Future Mother in Law (FML)