eengrms Funny Status Messages

   We need to celebrate an anti-mothers day to reward those kids who made it through high school without getting knocked up...

   This has to be the only "holiday" created by someone with a speech impediment...

   I really like compliments but I don't want anyone talking to me...

   Looking at how successful all the Kardashian women are, I don't blame Bruce Jenner at all...

   If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, will Brian Williams still claim he chopped it down?

   Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?

   Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online...

   So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...

   For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea's TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...

   Representatives from AOL say that no one from North Korea has dialed in to their service for almost 8 hours now...

   It's too bad North Korea couldn't have gotten the new Night at the Museum movie canceled instead...

   I really don't want to interact with other human beings today if I can help it...

   “It's not up for discussion,” is a thing I say to my wife when I’m absolutely certain I want to spend the next six hours discussing it...

   Dr. Huxtable was an OB/GYN with an office in his home basement. I mean, come on...

   By 2050, four out of every five Americans will be a Duggar...

   Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret...

   Don't ever say Obama wasn't the jobs president, look how many lawyers he is going to keep employed for the next two years...

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Domino's."

   God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money...

   When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, "No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian..."