Scottyp Funny Status Messages

   I think I'm going to have my OCD support group meeting at my home today. If nothing else, at least my house will get cleaned...

   I really want a Klondike Bar, but I'm fresh out of ideas......

   Dear cellphone companies: please invent a "unsend my text" option

   If time is money, then I'm running out of time very quickly

   Firetrucks & ambulances would be far more effective if they were to replace that annoying siren with the song "Move B*tch" by Ludacris

   I should have known that I had to much to drink tonight because I left the door open the whole time I was peeing. It might not sound that bad, but when you're driving 65 mph, it can cause all kinds of problems..

   Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.

   They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.

   I'm thinking about going out tonight, because after all, the Beastie Boys DID fight for my right to party....

   I would like to thank Jesus of Nazareth for the good deal I got on my tires and Jesus of Guatemala for the speedy service.

   If before every major life decision, people would just say "What would Charlie Sheen do?"...The world would be so much more interesting....

   Justin Bieber takes his relationship with Selena Gomez public. I think that it is so sweet that he's pretending to like girls....

   I don't know what it is that you're doing to make it appear as if you're really stupid, but whatever it is, it's really working

   Always keep several Get Well cards on the mantel. If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.

   Hooked on Phonics werked fer me :-)

   I guess it time to test my theory that Vodka (being alcohol) should kill the flu virus.......

   Life's like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you have to stick your finger in a few before you find the one that's right for you....

   I just picked out a Valentines Card from the Ben Roethlisberger collection. It came with a roofy, two advil for the day after and a do-it-yourself police report..

   I would like to take this time to thank everyone for our VICTORY against global warming. Well done, everyone, well done.......

   I'm so cold that I decided to start my own non-profit today. It's called PETAELG. That's People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals with the Exception of Lying Groundhogs