JOser Funny Status Messages

   If you're OCD and you know it, wash your hands.

   Sometimes, when I feel optimistic about the future of mankind, I go read the comments on YouTube and it brings me right back to reality.

   I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.

   The wedding card selection at this store blows. Lots of "Congrats" and "Best wishes" but no "I still question your sexuality" anywhere.

   My Hamster has a developed an issue. He slides money out of my wallet and eats it. Seriously! $40 this week, so far. Renaming him "Government".

   Sex is a lot like air..You don't realize how bad you need it until you don't have it.

   Meeting an old friend for drinks after work. Hope he doesn't bring up that Farmville invite I ignored.

   You know who sucks Aggressive drivers. And cowardly drivers. And slow drivers. And drivers who are not me.

   Well, the Mayans were close-- Oprah goes off the air in 2011.

   This Halloween I'll be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we all starve.

   My life coach just benched me.

   The smaller the dog, the crazier the chick.

   I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.

   efore deciding whether you will stay up all night, you should sleep on it.

   Hangovers are for people foolish enough to stop drinking.

   Just saw a girl in a regular wheelchair holding onto her boyfriend's motorized wheelchair. Dude, she's totally using you!!

   The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.

   If you're 17 and your 200 year old lover won't turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he's just not that into you... Take the hint you dumn b*tch...

   The fact that I don't feel an ant crawling on me until it bites me makes me think that ninja school I went to was a total sham.

   A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...