@uxbridgeguy Funny Status Messages

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy.. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter

   Why is it called ''beauty sleep'' when you wake up looking like a troll??

   I Don't know if I've got some free time,or if I just forgot what the hell i'm supposed to be doing ..

   If the duvet is still on the bed your clearly not doing it right

   Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second would've seen it.

   Either I've sat in a cottage pie or that was not a fart.

   I think I'm allergic to low-energy lightbulbs. Whenever I switch one on, I can barely fecking see for twenty minutes.

   You know when you have a good mum when they let you lick the sticks to the mixer but you know you have a great mum when she turns the mixer off before you lick!!!!!

   He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

   If good things come to those who wait,then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming...

   Wearing a T-Shirt with "Let's talk about God" on it always guarantees me a seat to myself on the train.

   Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...

   I wanted a friend with benefits not a friend on benefits.......

   Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?

   This new dishwasher is useless .. It's already ruined three of my paper plates...

   Bring back hanging,that's what I say... tumble-driers are useless....

   I saw 2 flies screwing today..and I swatted them and said "If I can't, you can't either.

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in..not realizing that they are standing in an airport...

   I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know, hunting elephants.'