@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   Put a woman in a car and she drives like she's the only one on the road and crashes into everything - Put her on the bumper cars at a theme park and she drives cautiously around the outside and avoids hitting anything.

   Went into the Opticians and told him that I could see 9 years into the future. He examined my eyes and nodded in agreement. "You've got 2020 vision"

   The top 5 footballers from the 2010-11 season have been announced: Giggs Cort Given Thomas De Koch.

   I went for a self-defence class last night. The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me" So when I saw him in Sainsburys the next day I threw a tin of beans at his head.

   I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived.

   BBC News: "Britons are the worst binge drinkers in Europe." - I'm sorry but I think you'll find we're actually the best.

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer today.

   I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!' I thought "That's just spam."

   I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden - In his house.

   The Royal Wedding, live on YouTube. The Royal Honeymoon, live on RedTube.

   I hated my first experience of skydiving. I jumped out of the plane with the other person next to me. Anyway about halfway down he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

   My girlfriend was really as she's just won a makeover. "It's just like that show on Channel 4!" she beamed... "What, Scrapheap Challenge?".

   Ovens are a lot like sex. Women want them preheated first - Men just shove it in and don't care.

   Security stopped me at the airport last night. He said, "Do you mind if we search your luggage?" I said, "It depends, what for?" He said, "Drugs." I said, "In that case, no."

   I phoned up a big company today to complain. I said, "Can I speak to the Chairman please?" The snooty woman on the phone replied, "Actually it's ChairWOMAN." I said, "Oh, okay, in that case can I speak to the Vice Chairman please?"

   BBC NEWS: Apple sues Samsung for 'copying' . Samsung retaliate with name calling and telling the teacher.

   Yahoo News - "World's oldest man dies". Why does this keep happening?!

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbour forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.

   What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat? A dandy lion! (I'm here all day)