Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   I don't drink water, unless it's been through a brewery first.

   Kristen Stew@rt is apologizing for "everything she has done", which I'm assuming includes the Twilight series.

   Dear God, when I said six figure salary, I didn't mean only zeros.

   I'm a guy that loves to show a woman exactly what I like sexually. So I start off every first date with a 2-hour PowerPoint presentation.

   All I know is that Facebook causes a pile of laundry.

   I'm getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to your phone off.

   She said there was no spark between us, so I tazed her. I'll ask again when she wakes up.

   I just held the door open for a Japanese guy and he said, "Sank you" So I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor just like that.

   You don't have to fight over who sleeps in the wet spot if one of you is smart enough to flip the mattress over.

   Always look for the good in everyone… if you can't find it, you probably need another drink.

   Women need a reason to cheat, men just need another woman.

   It's very dangerous to tweet and drive; you may end up with TYPOS!

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian dating each other saves two other people in the world from misery!

   My Spiritual and religious friends, I'll never go to church with you. My fit and Healthy friends, I'll never go to the gym with you. My Drunk and high friends, when and where?

   I'd kiss you right now but my breath would make you instantly drunk!

   I helped my neighbor move a super heavy couch last night and he didn't even thank me. That's ok, his wife thanked me on it today. Twice.

   I was seeing a therapist for trust issues, but I had to quit going when I found out he was seeing other patients.

   Life is like p0rn. Much better when people stop talking.

   Some people are here for laughs. Some for therapy. Some for sex. Me? I'm here to learn the difference between your and you're.

   Are you sure we haven't met before? Because I feel like I hate you from somewhere.