Aaron Funny Status Messages

   My doctor recently took me off all my medications. It turns out I'm really an 82 year old man named Morris from Staten Island.

   Officer: You know why I pulled you over just now? Me: You didn't see me the first two times?

   My sandwich told me I was crazy so I ate him, because crazy people don't eat talking sandwiches.

   Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?

   "Do you know where the nearest payphone is located?" Um... 1998?

   I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

   It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer.

   One of the cooler things you can do when you die is be buried with an elephant bone, just to confuse future archaeologists.

   Someone just accused me of living high on the hog. I didn't even know they knew I smoked bacon.

   You had me at "my giant boobs make my back hurt"

   I'm not mooning you. I'm turning the other cheek.

   yo mamma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan.Somebody is going to be wrong.

   Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I'm going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.

   No, your *other* counterclockwise.

   My life coach just benched me.

   I know karate, kung fu, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 27 other dangerous words.

   Here's a gross thought: what if you thought you were having diarrhea, but you looked down and saw the toilet filled with dead spiders?

   I'm one of those people that tried this at home.

   The Frog... "Time's fun when you're having flies."