@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

   I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some c*nt had stuffed my pillow with onions.

   I woke up this morning and found my big toe was missing, in it's place was a litte note that read 'gone to market'

   My girlfriend left me because she was sick of my xbox puns. I guess we didn't really kinect.

   What do you call a robot that wears sh1t clothes? - Optimus Primark.

   The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst - So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

   Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: - "This product may contain nuts"

   So, I see they have a gypsy in the new Big Brother house. Good luck trying to evict that!

   If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?

   My girlfriend called me sad because I always plan things months in advance. That's her off my Christmas card list!

   England have become the number one cricketing team in the world. We sure showed those 8 other teams.

   Sexist jokes are wrong and people need to stop post...... Sorry, that was my girlfriend, I left my laptop in the kitchen again.

   Syria: Riots stop when authorities use tanks. Italy: Riots stop as police fire rubber bullets. Greece: End to riots as police deploy water cannon and tear gas. England: Riots stop... because it's raining. Makes one proud to be British.

   Sky News: Police to use Plastic Bullets. Fu*k me, the Recession has hit us harder than I thought.

   You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

   Thought of the day: If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

   "I'm David Beckham, and Harper 7 was my idea"

   I was just looking through my spam email when I saw this advert. "Pen1s Enlargement - 80% off". That doesn't sound like an enlargement to me!

   My dog ate a condom last night. Try explaining THAT to the Vet as it's hanging halfway out of his arse!

   My wife said I'm an idiot who can't do the simplest of things right. So I packed her bags and left.