Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   I bet bunnies would be super-stoked if we introduced them to salad dressing.

   Ladies: If you're wearing 6-inch heels and can bend down and touch the floor without falling over, you're good to go for another drink.

   I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He's pissed but said he'll be back with my speeding ticket.

   Even with all the many different types of social media, nothing beats ignoring idiots in person.

   After he stops crying, can I try again, I promise I can juggle babies.

   Ladies, the third outfit you try on is always our favourite because we just want all this torture and torment to end.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back knocking on your door with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   If you were mine, your next boyfriend would thank me for straightening your clueless and inexperienced ass out.

   My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

   Warning Ladies: Alcohol may cause the following side effects: 1. Compulsive giggling. 2. Delusions of awesomeness. 3. Temporary lesbianism.

   Girls; Don't kill yourself over a boy. He'll just bring another girl to your funeral.

   If you had to run through a Cambodian mine field, or let Lindsay Lohan drive you to the store, which running shoes would you choose?

   Baby, if you are reading this. Can you please bring me a beer?

   I don't know why any sensible guy would even want a skinny chick. Clearly they're no good at making sandwiches.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.

   The first rule of Women's Fight Club is: We will stew about it for days then scream at you about it and never let you forget it, A$$hole.

   Why do actors think we care who the they are going to vote for. Make movies and shut up!

   My wife's safe word: "Not-tonight-honey"

   Whenever I hear women whine about wanting men who cuddle, listen, call them sweet names, and help clean around the house, I think there's a name for that. Lesbians.

   I don't miss anyone from the past... not even me.