Aaron Funny Status Messages

   In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it.

   Nothing says success like waking up at 6:00 pm.

   My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.

   In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.

   Just fell asleep in a library like a homeless person.

   There are good status updates, then there are bad status updates ... then there's 50 feet of crap, then there's mine.

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   What if birds are just out of control napkins.

   Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.

   I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.

   Got up to watch the sunrise this morning. Orange. Real original nature, thanks for wasting my time.

   Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

   My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

   My computer asks "Delete cookies?" Cookie Monster pounds on my door, shouting, "NOOOO! KEEP COOKIES!"

   Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they're gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?

   You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?

   If men stopped holding doors open for them, would ladies just pile up outside?

   It ain't over until Adele sings.

   When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

   Everytime I hear of someone that was attacked by a shark, I think "didn't they hear the music?"