sean Funny Status Messages

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬

   I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."

   Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....

   Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......

   Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......

   Now Falcons fans feel like Hillary supporters felt like on election night

   I really hope these new sanctions on Russia doesn't affect Vidka prices

   I'll call and report my car as stolen before I admit that I forgot where I parked it.

   I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

   Just bought a thesaurus at Goodwill, I got home to discover all the pages are blank, I have no words to describe how angry I am...

   After discovering that Anthony Weiner got Hillary Clinton in trouble Bill Clinton breeze a sigh of relief because it's the first time his wiener hasn't gotten Hillary in trouble

   Glad Kim K is ok, heard the whole thing was a mix up, the robbers car broke down and they thought she could hook them up with a Tranny

   I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster

   My grandfather just told me hisjoints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   fml...I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there...

   Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".

   Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.