MIKE m Funny Status Messages

   My girlfriend said, "I don't know if six inches is gonna be enough for me." Thank God we were at Subway when she said it!

   Facebook is starting to remind me of my ex-wife... throwing things I said years ago back in my face.

   A snail goes into a car dealership​ and says, "I wanna buy a little car. And I want you to paint a big "S" on the side of it." Salesman says, "OK, but why?" Snail says, "So when I pass by people will say LOOK AT THAT LITTLE S-CAR GO!"

   I'm not into any sports. But I'll watch women's beach volleyball​ if it's on

   My mom knew I was a wild child the day I was born when I used my umbilical cord to bungie jump!

   If I don't have time to make coffee, I pull out a nose hair instead.

   I say "Monday" like "Jerry Seinfeld says "Newman!"

   You know methane gas is odorless right? That's why I add the odor to mine so you guys know if I have a leak!

   I just let a disturbance in the force.

   I always feel a little guilty when I swallow my multi-vitamin with beer.

   Jack Bauer has 24 hrs. to stop the Christians from ending the world!

   Osama's diary found?  "Dear Diary, Had an OK day hiding here in the compound.  Watched some CNN.  2 of my 3 wives are on the rag, so that's a drag.  Well, that's all for now. Bye, Osama "

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an A$$!"  

   Guys don't post stuff like ☆ BEAUTIFUL☆ FATHER☆ AWARD ☆ on eachouther's walls with the whole ˙·٠•●♥ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙ crap after it.  We show each other love by posting, "Dude, you're an ass!"  

   They want us to think they're backpack leaf blowers but they're actually jetpacks... and THAT'S how they're getting across the boarder! 

   CNN just posed the question: "Who should get the Bin Laden bounty?" I don't want the dude's paper towels!

   Remember that whole "Look both ways before crossing the street" thing? Well that also applies to picking your nose at a stop light. I just got totally busted when I looked at the guy on my right, pointing at me and laughing...

   Rough draft for fb: If men were as flexible as dogs, wives would make their husbands wear cones or they'd never go to work.

   I'm thinking of converting my car to steam power. I think if I actually burned the $1 bills I'd get more bang for my buck.

   Hello Mr. Monster Truck tailgating me with your superbright halogen headlights... I can make my break lights brighter... wanna see?