JOser Funny Status Messages

   Google is really an undercover gambling addiction hence clicking "I'm Feeling Lucky" compulsively.

   When filling out Hello My Name Is name tags, I always put a question mark after my name

   I don't tell lies, just fiction short stories

   Attn BP: When this is all over, will the Gulf of Mexico be regular, midgrade or premium?

   Procrastination is like masturbation; it's a whole lotta fun until you realize you just screwed yourself.

   Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?

   Ladies, I'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".

   Filing a BP Damage Claims. Due to the Gulf disaster, instead of a vacation at the beach, we're going to visit my in-laws...

   Why hasn't anyone invented alcohol that acts as birth control too?

   Why is it that when you get your girlfriend pregnant, everyone rubs her belly saying "congratulations"... but nobody rubs your d*ck and says "good job?"

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   Didn't lock my car last night and there was a homeless guy asleep in it this morning.

   Will too much skin lightening cream turn you invisible?

   The good thing about being 6' 1" is that no one will see my bald patch... Unless you're using Google Earth...

   I just googled cleveland & google said no matches found the city has disappeared

   My neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dumb@ss, I can still see him.

   You know what would make this Pina Colada better? Cancun.

   Neighbors have a leash on their tree, but they let the dog run free. Poor tree

   One hair on your head is not enough...but one hair in your food is too much.

   Dude, if you really want Jessie's girl, find out her name.