@Plasticmortal Funny Status Messages

   I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

   In my house, we pray after we eat.

   I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

   I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.

   I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

   My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

   I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

   The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

   Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

   Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

   I think Pringles originally intended to make tennis balls

   "Old people need to urinate all the time... That's why they call it the golden years"

   a instant human.........just add coffee

   Mary had a little lamb the doctor fainted

   the only thing not covered by the new health care bill is busting your ass