Aaron Funny Status Messages

   I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.

   My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.

   Every time I break up with a Japanese girl I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

   It's always a shock when one of your best friends turns out to be three small dogs in a man suit.

   I like to stare at people. If they try to leave I put one finger on my ear and say The Buffalo is roaming. I repeat The Buffalo is roaming.

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.

   My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

   Health insurance and homeowner's insurance are the same thing to a turtle.

   I wonder if that McDonald's in Saint Louis is ever going to finish their giant sign...?

   My girlfriend just said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt.

   When comforting someone who is illiterate, I always say softly, "There, their, they're."

   If you throw a baseball and hit the Target logo the store drops into a tank of water.

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.

   Grandpa died from a vaigra overdose, and I still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.

   The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.

   "Tickets." — me (when other people get on the elevator)

   Do you know who has a bad sense of direction? This guy. =======>

   Definition of anxiety: half of the time you're worried about the other half of the time.

   Told the 7-11 clerk if I win on this lotto scratcher, I'd share. Now here I stand, $2 richer, trying to explain to him I lied.