flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I'm bored I stop a stranger and ask "where am I?" and whatever they say I runaway screaming "Hahaha I'm a genius! I can teleport!"

   The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

   I could probably beat Usain Bolt if we were both trying to get the last ice cream sandwich.

   Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline. Maybe it happened during a tragic accident. Regardless, stop staring, it's rude.

   More often than not, my feelings can be summed up with a simple "feh."

   95% of every relationship is navigating the question "Where should we eat?" without it turning into World War III.

   Ending sentences with prepositions is not something I have a problem with.

   Won't get the test results til next week, but the giant shoes & makeup suggest I may have Clown Syndrome

   Wetting the bed is embarrassing enough as it is. I could do without the laughs from these jerks at Mattress Warehouse

   The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you'd react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

   You can usually tell which people dressed as mascots on the side of the road are only doing it for the money.

   I was excited there was a 'The Paperboy' movie until I watched the trailer and found out it wasn't based on the old Nintendo game.

   When people ask me if I play "Draw Something," I take a piece of paper, "draw" the word "NO," and then hand it to them.

   There is no problem so big that it can't be solved with a little self-delusion.

   I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I'm afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.

   I would love to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

   Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.

   A fun game to play at a party is to see how many pairs of socks you can sniff before the host asks you to leave.

   when comforting a grammar nazi I always say "there, they're, their"

   The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number.