Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   It's pretty cool how vodka always has such 'great' ideas.

   I'd rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.

   A man was arrested having weed growing in his backyard today. He claims the evidence was planted.

   I pity those who feel the need to brag about themselves to get people's attention. I hate them more than the scratch on my Lamborghini.

   It's a man's world, until the woman refuses to make a sandwich.

   I enjoy people who actively participate in my insanity.

   Look, all I'm saying is, bears spend half of the year eating and the other half sleeping and they're doing alright.

   If you can't be the reason behind her smile, at least be the reason she walks funny for a while!

   "Can we talk for a minute?" is code for, "I am going to ruin the next 6 hours of your life with this bad news here."

   Never go arm wrestling with a man who has been single for over a year.

   Lady, you were funny and interesting up about until that time you started talking about your boyfriend.

   There is no better feeling on this good, green earth than having exact change.

   That which does not kill you, disappoints me.

   The only reason I drink is to celebrate not being dead.

   The D matters very little if you can't give her the O.

   Kanye's kid is gonna have a hard time understanding GPS instructions. GPS: "Turn North West." North West: "Yeah, but which way do I turn?"

   They key to not crying when cutting an onion is severing your emotional bond with it beforehand.

   "It's okay." - Women, right before they spend 5hrs telling you why it isn't ok.

   I like to add tension to a conference call with a surprise toilet flush.

   It was a pleasure ruining my life with you.