Aaron Funny Status Messages

   There should be a mandatory day on facebook where everyone must turn off their spell-checker so we can weed out the retards.

   I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

   I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.

   This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.

   We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!"

   One in two people suffer from chronic suspicion. Could it be the person you're with RIGHT NOW??

   When a job interviewer asks, "Where do you see yourself in five years?", it's a test to see if you own a time machine.

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed thinking.. "Wow, I can teleport".

   It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it's a life of piracy on the high seas.

   I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

   Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.

   Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, keep your stuffed animals closest.

   It's cool to visit Mount Rushmore and remember the good old days, when a four-headed rock monster was President.

   The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."

   Wearing socks is as close as I'll ever get to mopping.

   I hate it when pedestrians get all up in my grill.

   I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

   I started drying my hands with a wall mounted hand dryer back in 1998 and I think they're almost dry.

   The best way to end a conversation is by raising both middle fingers.