Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   DATING TIP: add 'Free Wi-Fi' to your dating profile

   I refuse to engage in any sort of drama on Facebook. I'm here to escape that in real life.

   Some people don't like pizza or bacon, those people are called terrorists.

   My apartment looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.

   He banged Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel and Cinderella. So how is Prince Charming any different than any other playa?

   Coca-Cola contained Coca (cocaine) from 1885 to 1903, today the company uses a 'secret' ingredient to keep it product addictive.

   The church squeezes money out of the people by promising them happiness in the next life if they accept misery and exploitation this one.

   Marriage: because if you love them why not get the law involved

   By leaving your bed, your chances of dying increases by 99%. It's science.

   Being too nice to people will make them take advantage of you. Being disrespectful will make them loath you. Not getting to know them in the first place will spare you both.

   It takes me a week to return a phone call, but I will knock over a baby to get to my phone if I even think I hear a Facebook notification

   Baby, does all this money make my d*ck look bigger?

   I'm running out of people I can tolerate!

   "You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry. You're right I'm sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 10 minutes?

   Well sir, I doubt everyone will be so upset my desk is "infested" with caterpillars once the office is "infested" with beautiful butterflies!!

   With women, you can either be happy, or you can be right. Never both.

   Remember when the only hatred that existed here was directed at Nickelback? Good times.

   A Women's work is never done because she's too busy telling a Man how to do his work.

   I still have every movie I've ever rented.