Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Our Grandpa died of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   Our Grandpa of a V!agra overdose,,, and to this day, we still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper...

   My neighbor is the CEO of a factory that makes annoying children

   If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!",,, and you'll feel super weird about it.

   I used to be addicted to soap,,,,,but I'm clean now

   Updates are like performing live music. Often the audience goes wild for your mediocre solo but sleeps through one you think is brilliant.

   I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates, but I don't know how this Nyquil is going to affect my status updates.

   Remember children are our future...If we do not keep them plump and healthy, we will have nothing to eat during the apocalypse.

   Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.

   Wish me luck... I'm off to contest library fines, on the grounds that I'm an "exceedingly slow" reader.

   I don't know alot about history,,, but I know Marco Polo was definitely the most annoying swimmer of all the famous explorers.

   To be or not to be? What a silly question Hamlet... Just let it be,, let it be... J. Macartney

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   Just overheard the guy in the next stall over whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry.... Lord, How I hate Turnpike rest stops.

   Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.

   And now I must perform the nightly ritual where I use "floss" to purify my gums of their excess blood

   I love Captain Crunch,,, and by that I mean I can't get enough of tasting the "roof of my mouth" skin... Two more bowls till I can tongue my brain.

   Been at this farmer's market for an hour,,, Still can't find the guy that sells the smug sense of superiority everyone here has.

   Never trust a rabbit or a duck,,, if you want to find out which hunting season it is.

   TMZ just reported that Stephen Hawking and Siri are now officially dating.