Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I'm pretty sure Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies.

   You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?

   I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:

   TIP: A quick way to get your kids out of bed is to go in their room and shout, "What the Heck?!! There are deer in our backyard!! "

   Karl Marx was wrong,, Religion is not the opiate of the masses... Facebook is.. Also Angry Birds...and Draw Something

   Had a mishap while making coffee just now that is best explained through interpretive dance...

   If this burglar can avoid tripping & bashing his skull open while my cats circle his feet,,, I'll help him load my belongings into his car.

   Ladies,, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine,,,, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.

   There is a person out there for everyone.... Your person just happens to be five cats

   Hey,, adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via my news feed,,, learn how to text.

   If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.

   Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?

   I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it

   Have we found all of the great singers in America yet?,, I'm worried we might not have found them all....Geesh

   Hey Sun-chips way to go,, making a Bio-degradable bag that's so friggin loud my neighbors can hear my junk food addiction,,

   I'm thinking,, If the plot of Fresh Prince had been reversed, and Carlton had to go live in Philly, it probably would have been on HBO

   I scream.. You scream.. We're all screaming... (This is awesome!!!)

   I apologize sir, but we're all out of Mohicans.

   My wifes poor ovaries.. They keep producing eggs, like those Japanese soldiers on a Pacific island who don't know the war is over.

   My favorite comedy writer is that guy that writes the assembly instructions for IKEA.......Subtle, Dark, Brilliant..