Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Wait !! Everybody stop posting,,,,, I dropped a contact lens

   American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.

   It's a shame that Qatar's national airline is "Qatar Airways",, and not the far superior "Air Qatar".

   My dog ate the garbage so told him he was bad,, He yelled "you're not my real dad!" and ran away ........ wait,, I don't have a dog

   The Boston Red Sox are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies... Sox officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field

   I know dream catchers don't work,, because I've never seen one in a car worth more than three thousand dollars.

   I sit for 5 minutes laughing at my own tweet.. Then read it to my wife who looks at me in confusion...

   Praise be unto Jesus,, owned so epically on the Cross so that we may not be similarly Owned & who on the 3rd day turned Epic Fail to epic Win

   My favorite Easter tradition is when Uncle Gary starts giving everyone Stone Cold Stunners a half hour after the deviled eggs are gone.

   And on the third day God created the beach,, so every 70's rock band would have a place to shoot their album cover.

   I can't recall,,,Was the "power of Grayskull" 110v or 220v?

   Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm backwards is mnbvcxzlkjhgfdsapoiuytrewq ,,,, Now 14% of you will proof this for accuracy,,, and then die alone.....Asses

   Understand that the road to zombie hell is paved with absolutely good intestines.

   If Apple had a nickle for every time an iPhone dropped it's connection they'd be one of the richest companies in the.......... Oh.

   Wife: Do you want something for dinner?,, Me: What are my choices?,,, Wife: Yes or No.

   Trouble's brewing at Symphony Hall.. It's the bottom of Beethoven's 9th,,, and the bassists are loaded.

   Dyslexics better do it.

   10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.. Now we have like 50 million dumb guys still posting a bad joke over and over

   Ahem,,,,, Now As a recovering kleptomaniac,,,, I know how to take a joke.

   Sometimes I worry my posts are too cerebrle... cerabrall... cerrebrel...