Snotty Funny Status Messages

   This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.

   Give a man a fish,, and with MY LUCK,, he'll heat it up in our office microwave.

   Hmmm,, So what you're saying, is that if the parrot is on his right shoulder,,, he's a butt pirate?.. Ummm, I'm only here to get my parking validated.

   The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my arse will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work.

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   My doctor told me that I'm healthy enough for sex but he thinks it would ruin our relationship,, and since things are already kinda strained ......... No..

   I think as part of the lap band surgery process you should have to fly to Ethiopia,,, and tell 10 people what it is and why you need it.

   I just heard that Paul McCartney is throwing a fit now that he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife....

   My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   I always read my Krispy Kreme order from a pretend list,, so they think I'm getting donuts for the whole office.

   I'm NOT political,,,,, just wondering if the 'once you go black' rule applies to presidents...

   If you don't enjoy scaring dogs by talking through a cardboard wrapping paper tube, don't bother stopping by my house on Christmas morning.

   That chili I ate last night is causing gas bubble noises to occur in areas of my body that were previously believed to be solid chocolate

   I went to walmart today... I got the cart with three wheels and a hoof.... This always happens to me.

   I've said it before and I'll say it again: I've said it before and I'll say it again.

   Please take the time to get to know me via my Facebook page. I think you'll like what you find. For example, I can type.

   My Superpower is always picking a shopping cart with "the one crapped-up wheel" ..... Anyone wanna help me design a costume?

   I want an app. that tells me if my post sucked,, or my timing did.