Snotty Funny Status Messages

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky..

   My wife's great-great-grandmother on her mother's side was The Kracken

   "I'm not mad." - My wife when she's mad,,, Well,, actually EVERY woman when she's mad

   I just had a cup of coffee "So Bad",, that it actually played bass guitar for Nickleback........... Horrible coffee,,,Yuck,,Ptuuey..

   NEWS FLASH: The Bush's baked beans dog finally speaks out, says dogs actually hate Sarah McLachlan.

   It is a FACT: Girls with cats, are WAY more single than girls with dogs.

   Yes, I hate you,,, but I'm not in hate, with you.

   You can tell how well people cut their grass,, by the way they color things in,, on "Draw Something."

   I'm gonna get one of those giant, old-timey bicycles. You know the type, where if you tipped over you fell 20ft. and died..... yeah,,one of those

   Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Son,, stop telling people I'm dead".

   Yes,, I'm just posting for the sake of posting.. I'm sorry that my posts aren't curing cancer like yours are.

   My ceiling fan has three settings: -- very slow -- Medium ,, and --I'm about to fly off the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

   I Saw a Vespa crash into a Toyota Prius today...... There was glitter everywhere.

   A bird crapped in my hair earlier today,,, in case you were wondering why the birdhouse in my back yard has so many bullet holes in it.

   Ha Ha!! For the past two weeks I've just been giving a bowl of alphabet soup a stir,, and posting whatever floats to the top.

   Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.

   So this midget walks into a mini bar........

   Why spend all that time in school to be a doctor,, when you can save lives by forwarding an email or reposting a status on your Facebook wall?

   My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.