hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   I see Walmart is opening a dental office in select stores. I wonder if they will have an express lane for people with 10 teeth or less

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard

   I was playing fetch with my neighbor's dog but he's too heavy to carry in my teeth and his fur tastes horrible

   They say diamonds are a girl's best friend but I've never seen a girl talk sh!t about a diamond behind its back.

   I really wish I knew why my real parents sent me to Earth without my superpowers.

   I'm sorry I keep calling you and hanging up. I just got this new phone and it's voice activated. So every time I yell dumb ass, it dials you.

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.

   On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.

   I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.

   I'm more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.

   I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti, and a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

   "Fight fire with fire" - unequivocally the worst advice I have ever received. My house just burned even faster.

   Hey Alanis Morissette! Getting a girl pregnant on a "pull-out" couch. That's IRONIC.

   When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.

   My parents told me I couldn't be a pirate when I grew up. My movie and music collection says otherwise.

   I wish that I would get a popup for "possible virus" when I meet new girls.

   I got arrested today for feeding some homeless guys on the street, and to top it all off, the cops broke my potato gun.

   Next time you're in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.