Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   FACT: With the exact same amount of $ the government spends to buy the Army an attack helicopter they could buy ME an attack helicopter

   Go to the train station and make eye contact with someone as the train pulls away and then chase after it it while yelling "I LOVE YOU!"

   I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that's my stuff!"?

   I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love," but it's actually "floor"

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I'm not excited about finding change on the ground.

   Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"

   Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside

   Shouldn't somebody else blow out the candles when it's a fireman's birthday?

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.

   Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop

   The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

   When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."

   BREAKING NEWS: Harvard study reveals that's not what she said.

   I need a volunteer to make sure when I die, my obituary reads: he laid down that boogie and played that funky music til he died.

   Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

   I'm completely indifferent when you call me big poppa

   As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.

   I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.

   Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.

   I can't express my level of disappointment when I'm scrolling and see "Robin Hood:" and it's "Prince of Thieves" and not "Men In Tights"