sean Funny Status Messages

   If a road runs parallel to a river, there's probably a bridge nearby. No reason to cross five lanes of traffic, Frogger, you idiot.

   The police are searching Justin Bieber's house for eggs. "Take your time." said every rapist and murderer.

   Forget having a gun or a knife. If you want to rob me, just threaten to throw glitter on my clothes.

   ving a PT Cruiser says, "I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002."

   More snitches will be able to afford stitches under ObamaCare.

   I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.

   Stay away from gangs, kids. You don't wanna end up playing a cop on TV.

   Stop telling people you got that scar in a bar fight when you know darn well it's from being circumcised.

   What idiot named it a herd of elephants and not a stamp collection?

   Just a couple more weeks until America learns which Olympians have the most terrifying moms.

   I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

   My psychiatrist prescribed me an odd number of pills for my OCD and I'M THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY?!

   Tonight on ABC World Wide: Police raid Biebers house, find whole slew of drugs, but no talent...

   If a man says you're ugly he's being mean. If a woman says you're ugly she's envious. If a little kid says you're ugly, you're ugly.

   You know the passion is gone when you watch a whole movie together.

   I keep writing "2015" on all my checks because I hope to have money by then.

   Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

   "Oh you just laid down to relax? Well, I need you to get up and do stuff" - marriage

   Don't worry, everyone is self-conscious about something. For example, you're probably concerned about that awful haircut or your ugly nose.

   Yay. ..Mr.Plow is here! Won't have to eat another kid.