sarah Funny Status Messages

   They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over?

   Don't call me sugar, call me Splenda. I'm artificially sweet.

   Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

   Why hasn't Sears made a riding vacuum cleaner?

   Just because you're in a committed relationship, doesn't mean you can't have friends of the opposite sex.

   If I had a d ick I'd definitely get it stuck in something it wasn't supposed to be in by the end of the first day.

   My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don't exist. He's busy vacuuming now.

   If I bend over for any reason and you don't immediately come behind and air hump me, you're not my kinda guy.

   This misfiring soap dispenser reminds me of you!

   I'd let you hold my boob before I'd let you hold my cell phone.

   I am woman, hear me give you the silent treatment.

   My nipples don't understand that I am going to a decent place.

   When my boyfriend couldn't get me off last night, I slapped him in the face and yelled, "See! This is why you can't have nice things!"

   95% of my problems can be traced back to waiting on a man to do the right thing.

   I hate going to bed on an empty v@gina :(

   I like my men like I like my ice. Crushed and melts away within a reasonable time so I don't have to deal with it.

   Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, that's more like it.

   My warning label would simply read: Take me regularly. In case of overdose, enjoy.

   Dear young guys who don't know what Cougars are: Let me introduce myself.

   My boobs are nice so I don't have to be.