Indy Dave Funny Status Messages

   I bet midgets are very busy this time of year... with all of the elf jobs and such...

   any computer someone may have used to purchase you a gift. Tip 2: If you purchase gifts online, DELETE YOUR BROWSING HISTORY. That concludes today's lesson and tips.

   Fun Fact of the Day: Of the 236 episodes of the great show "Friends" Jennifer Aniston has 'pokies' in 217 of them.

   my wife just fell asleep on the couch with her mouth open... hmmm, tempting!

   Facebook stock down 4.20 today... coincidence?

   Anderson Cooper - I had to come clean, I was caught singing "Call Me Maybe" in my car on the way to work!

   Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!

   so my son stayed up until 11 last night watching a movie with us and he still got up at 6:45am... hmmm, next time use vodka in his juice maybe? Hey, I just drugged you, this is crazy, but here's a pillow, sleep in maybe?!?!?!

   Looks like Chris Kelly of "Kris Kross" finally tripped over his backwards pants falling and hitting his head. Ooops, nope, update: drug overdose. Shocker.

   sometimes if there is a cute girl at the register, I'll purposely purchase a "magnum" when I check out. BOOM!

   The reason they named it the "Xbox One" is they knew that it would be the only way they would hear "Xbox Won" Might as well rename it the "Xbox Done"

   we have some potentially severe weather headed our way this evening. please make sure you have your emergency kit: alcohol, lube, porn, blow up girlfriend, pain pills, heroin and a football helmet. Stay safe my friends!

   Anthony Weiner is still sexting... really, who cares??? However, if my last name were weiner and I had a son, I totally would have named him "Gigantic"

   I love the phrase "boobie trapped" I mean, who doesn't like to be trapped by boobies????

   Riley Cooper said what??? Wait, isn't he Manning's brother??? No, thats Cooopah!

   Breaking Bad brought to you by Nationwide Insurance. Because you never know when Walter White is going to take you out...

   We need naked bitstrip cartoon people if this is going to work. Just my opinion.

   I bought some sparkly wrapping paper thinking it was like a simulated sparkly kind. It is actually made out of sparkles. Well, now my floor, face, hands, clothes and kid look like Diamond Cherry Serenity & Candi came over to my house after the strip club.

   Ben Roethlisberger was just on an NFL commercial saying what he was thankful for. He forgot to mention not being charged or found guilty of sexual assault. twice.

   The thermometer on my cars says, "FU_____CK YOU!"