@breakfastbeerz Funny Status Messages

   Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".

   How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.

   Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school

   "You complete me" ~ Me talking to my phone charger.

   "You look stunning in that outfit, but you'll look even better once I take it off" ~ Me, unwrapping beef jerky.

   "Can't adult today". That's cute 22 year old. Get a mortgage, manage a 401k, have a couple kids, then get back to me about being an adult.

   I was going to sweep her off her feet until she flew away on my broom.

   Oh.... you wanted a "Fidget" spinner. *Tells 4'8" guy he and his exercise bike can go home.

   "Clean up in aisle 5" has a very different meaning in a porn shop.

   You look like the kind of girl that gets her sex tips from a grocery store tabloid.

   HELP WANTED: Seeking motivated and goal oriented individual to validate me on the internet.