@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   So, I see they have a gypsy in the new Big Brother house. Good luck trying to evict that!

   Upon receiving my new Thai Bride, I was appalled by the warning that came with the instructions: - "This product may contain nuts"

   The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst - So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

   What do you call a robot that wears sh1t clothes? - Optimus Primark.

   My girlfriend left me because she was sick of my xbox puns. I guess we didn't really kinect.

   I woke up this morning and found my big toe was missing, in it's place was a litte note that read 'gone to market'

   I cried myself to sleep every night for ten years until I found out that some c*nt had stuffed my pillow with onions.

   My mate rang me and asked, "What're you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

   They say so many people die because of alcohol... Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it.

   The Jeremy Kyle show........ The only place a baby has more teeth than all 4 of it's parents put together

   My wife says I waste money on gadgets we don't need. At least that's what it says in the email she sent from the toaster.

   I take a viagr@ tablet every night before I go to sleep... stops me from rolling out of bed!

   Who's the best at Mud Wrestling... Girls from America or Girls from the UK? Only one way to find out... fiiiggghhhtt!....

   I'm doing my bit to help kick-start the economy... I've started printing money too.

   My wife said, "I want you to toast some bread for me." So I raised my wine glass and said, "To bread!"

   Wife: Do you want some dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Wife: Yes and No

   I've just seen an advert for a cruise offering "ocean views". That's a shame, I wanted to stare at the f-kin engine for a week!

   When my wife caught me using a pen1s enlargement cream, she laughed. I told her, "There's no need to rub it in."

   Now listen carefully 007, This may look like a normal Blackberry. But it's one that actually works.

   I haven't had sex for about 1 year, 4 months, 24 days and 56 minutes. It doesn't bother me though.