Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Go shawty, it's a green light~50 cent in traffic

   I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.

   "Is that your dog?" "No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   I'm surprised more killers haven't lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

   My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to have to get out of the car."

   Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?

   My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   My superpower is saying "you too" after the waitress giving me my food says "enjoy your meal."

   Son needed a topic for his science project and I suggested "A Science Project That Wasn't 100% Completed By Dad."

   I just had salmon, raspberries & pine nuts for supper. Somewhere, out there, a grizzly bear is searching for his soulmate.

   I could never hate someone for their political views when I can hate them for the way they chew.

   Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.

   I'm funnier online than in person, and funnier in print than online, but I'm at my funniest when you have no interaction with me at all.

   A new study shows that as people get older women retain memory better than men. This just proves that thing my wife told me...

   Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, bite like a mosquito, carry 100 times your body weight like an ant.

   I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day cleanse in 3 hours and 15 minutes.

   Fun thing to do #26: Stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.

   I have nothing in common with people that think about work when they're at home. I don't even think about work when I'm there.

   Was asked to join the Optimist Club the other day but I just had this feeling that no good would come of it.

   While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row.