sean Funny Status Messages

   Had dinner with a girl tonight! Ok so maybe she was on the tv, but we were eating at the same time so I'm counting it.

   Satan came to me today and asked if he frieghtened me, I said no- not in the least bit, I said I used to be married to your sister...

   I love deer season, Especially when I am driving alone in my Blazer , it's amazing how fast I purposely turn into a Comacazi pilot when I see a deer in the middle of the road-

   I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch

   What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house?

   Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.

   Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don't use words like "East."

   Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.

   Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.

   I'm not a fan of stupid conspiracy theories, but I'm fully aware that Governments slow down time on weekdays & speed it up on weekends.

   Had to take a drug test on my lunch break for my life insurance policy, the lady told me that I passed and asked me why I look so angry, I told her that my dealer has some explaining to do now....

   If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus...

   I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?

   If you can text with both hands at the same time, you are Ambi-Textual.

   With only one plug in this hospital room it's not looking good for Nana's respirator if my phone battery dies and I have another AWESOME face book status update .

   Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.

   I have a six figure salary. Unfortunately, all six figures are to the right of the decimal point.

   I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

   I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.

   Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance,' with a face like that!